I have to share this with y’all, only because it’s a struggle after having exposed so much truth of myself. However, I’m also of the mind that if I don’t show you my weak moments, then you don’t know that it’s okay to talk about it. It’s important to me to be aligned with myself after being mal-aligned (this is not a typo) for so long. I’m like a child who is learning baby steps again. We all know now I have a neurological disorder. What some may not know is I still have brief moments of PTSD.
It’s a side effect of life. I’m not even going to blame it on my former vocation as that just seemed to magnify it on hindsight. We all have all in some form or another had a moment in our lives where we could be diagnosed as clinically insane. Let’s face it, there are times in our lives where someone or something acts as the trigger to break us, but it’s in how we deal with it which will determine our path. Do you let the monsters out or do you hold them in and let them eat you from the inside out? These are important questions to ask your self when you are striving to heal. Yes, I say strive because you know what? In this day of “Healing with a Purpose,” let’s face it, the pressure is on, man. Hurry up and Heal already. I hope you understand what I’m trying to convey. The longer you live, the more perspective this gives you. I’m digressing again.
Last night I went to the Tool concert with my husband. It was pretty freaking awesome, and as Jim said, a mark on the bucket list. I’m still vibrating with the intensity of Maynard’s voice, LIVE! (Insert appropriate gesticulating movements here) I digress again. (But, if they hit your town, GO GO GO!)
I almost didn’t go to that show last night. I was a solid mental mess. I told myself, my daughter, and anyone who would listen that I was sick. My husband patiently sat with me through it. He asked others to go in my place, verifying that I didn’t want to go, and let me sit and wallow in it. That is patience. I told myself the following, which does have its root in truth, but now they are just fears:
What if I forget where I am if Jim gets separated from me?
What if I get lost, literally, in the crowd of people?
What if someone sets off a bomb or decides to choose this concert to take out their frustrations on life?
What if there does happen to be a gunman and I have to act again in a capacity I have before?
What if I forget to breathe and I’m in a crowd of people and Jim also has a heart attack again?
Good gracious, right? This is what PTSD & anxiety look like. This is what it means sometimes when I’m “sick.”
I’m proud to say that I walked myself right through it with the patience of my man. It was a super awesome time and after the initial settling down, it was really cleansing.
Music gives us that gift. The gift of cleansing.