I caught myself in a lesson this morning. For three days, I’ve felt the urge to write, but then would wander off. I was cognizant of the fact that I was feeling a bit off and I was allowing it, by giving my brain a break and learning to laugh at it. I’m grateful for the opportunity, love, and patience I’ve given myself by walking through it (I wasn’t raised to show weakness). Regardless, I discovered there was a reason for the behavior and I felt compelled to share, so here I am.
I had an interaction recently with someone I care about very much, someone with strong ties to forty-eight years of being unhealthy. I realized that it’s because no matter what I do or say or how much compassion I attempt to convey to others in my past, it will NEVER be reciprocated. You see, no matter how much I think I may be evolved, I still carry unrequited love. I still revisit it when my human Self tells me that one day it will change. Do you see the problem there? My physical symptoms are here to remind me what happens when I give my all and get nothing in return. That’s a glaring sign that there is nothing there for me. It hurts like a sonofabitch, literally and figuratively. I won’t lie about it. I won’t sugarcoat it. Are my symptoms and peace of mind worth it? Not at all.
I’m writing about it because this is my form of addiction: trying to squeeze out some sort of resemblance of a loving relationship from family members and friends where it’s unreciprocated. It’s like walking through a haunted house. Go me for recognizing it, but it doesn’t hurt any less. It just serves as a reminder that there are some things in life, that no matter how much I want them to BE, it’s not meant to be. I think the attraction in it is because our society has lead us to believe that we HAVE to take whatever breadcrumbs given to us by our blood relatives. No, you don’t. In walking through all of that, I realized there’s another area that a lot of us don’t feel supported in society. It’s kind of heartbreaking that it has taken me this long to recognize it and allow for it. How many of you out there feel guilty because either you walked away or you didn’t, but you are still harboring anger, sadness, and physical symptoms from it being unexpressed? How many of you have never spoken about this?
I read something in a book recently about a teacher of Chinese medicine (I will remember it eventually) who referenced that the only true way to overcome something is to keep talking about it. It’s true. It became a lot easier to identify the emotions reference above because I keep talking about what I have been through. Once I recognized it, my symptoms lessened. What a relief! After I spoke about it to my husband, my heart felt less heavy, the brain fog lessened, and the thousand scissors in my stomach went away. That’s how grief feels. Sometimes, we just have to take a moment and recognize the emotions attached to our physical bodies. Some of us have been on autopilot for so long that we don’t realize the signs were there all along. It’s another way of how we reach a diseased state. My lesson in all of this is to learn to love from afar, no matter who it is. That’s all any one of us can do. The lesson is on both sides, because the state of being uncomfortable is definitely not unrequited. I don’t wish to cause myself or others to be uncomfortable, so I love from afar.
Just for today, I realize that I am perfect just as am, quirks and all. Just for today, I know that I am loved. Just for today, I will speak lovingly of others so that I can feel love. Just for today I will speak lovingly of others.