Just for today, I’m letting go of yesterday.
No, really, I mean it this time. The last five years weren’t for no reason. It has felt like what I imagine in my adult mind is a physical rebirth. I’ve been through the entire gamut of emotions that a human being can possibly acknowledge, with full impact. Does that make me better than you? No. Does that make me stronger than you or a superhero? Absolutely not. Would I ever go through all of that again? Not in this lifetime. If you believe in reincarnation, it’s like I grabbed the entire shopping list of the hardest things to find at the store and said, “Sign me up!” I can handle it. I’m trying to open up and be boastful about it while typing this out, but really, I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes at everything I have experienced and the brevity of it all. I promise they aren’t tears of sadness, they are of joy, but a little grief mixed in. Finally. But, as I take a deep breath in, I do acknowledge and realize that I almost didn’t arrive here. I had to make a conscious decision to be here typing these words because there was a moment in time when I was in an abandoned house and my husband had just been flown out on a helicopter. We both had a decision to make that day. It’s lead me to today.
I just wish you had died.~ From the ‘Am I brave enough to publish this’ File
I woke up with these words ringing in my ears the other morning. Not a nice thing to wake up to and it sort of set the pace for me, mentally, for a few days. I’m proud of the fact that I have been disciplined enough not to throw myself into being an emotional wreck over it, but to be less so, while also peeling back the emotions associated with it. It dawned on me, I had heard this my entire life, right up to about two years ago. Why had I never recognized them before? Instead of rejecting the words outright, I actually chose to sit with them and chew them up, before spitting them out.
I’ve come to the realization that at some point in my life, my higher self protected me from these words and ALL of the behavior associated with them, as well as the emotions and behavior from every person, place, and thing associated with the statement. Upon further reflection, I realized that there have been so many times that truth tried to make an appearance and I was always met it with some kind of cognitive dissonance on my part. Half the time people would say things to me surrounding my mother and all I could do was stare because I had no idea what was happening, much less make sense of what it was being said. I didn’t have the mental capacity for it. It was my Cloak of Protection. Quite honestly, I still don’t know everything, but I also know that there is no reason for me to delve further. It doesn’t matter anymore. Whatever occurred surrounding me in that moment in time cannot be changed. I can stand there at the altar of my family and cry, be heartbroken, and roll in the martyrdom of the mistreatment of me if I want to. But, why would I do that? Why would I do that in any relationship for that matter? Love, affection, and truth should come naturally and unprovoked.
I realized that there was no way I would ever be welcome in the very place that cut me, so to speak. The actions surrounding my ‘death’ as a child, would forever reverberate around me, there was no way to separate me as a person from that instance. It’s just too traumatizing for all concerned, you know? Everyone has to forgive and heal in their own way. For the purposes of my healing, I choose to forgive and love from afar. Am I going to tie the next fifty years or so of my life to that identity that was raised around tragedy that never healed and doesn’t know how to? No.
The moral to the story is, you are NOT what you have been told you are. You may represent what those around you have fastened to you, but I never fit the mold set out for me.
If you look at it from a strictly scientific standpoint, you are born and you die, right? You have no control over anything in between, right? This is what you have to forgive because no matter what, in any part of healing, there comes a time that you have to forgive yourself for the treatment of YOU. The rejection, the tears, the humiliation. All of it. I’ve reached that point now where I’m ready to mend my heart of the heartbreak. The funny thing is, forgiving me took longer than anyone else. That’s what the tears are for.
The tears are for the child that I see standing, facing straight into the faces of my accusers, with a pit in her stomach willing herself not to cry. That never worked, by the way, the tears always came. But, at least I looked upon them stoically. (Also, that didn’t happen either, they just didn’t know it because I always found a place just beyond straight ‘daringmyeyestodroptears’ eye contact). I will say, “Go Me!” for having the strength to sort through this emotional garbage. This is the part that everyone avoids their entire lives and then you get the call one day that one of your tests isn’t quite right. There is no need for this to happen, you know? I’m forty-eight years old and I’m talking like I’m 100. Is that good or bad? That remains to be seen and is completely up to me. I’m choosing to spend the next 100 years enjoying myself. It’s as simple as that. Perhaps that is the gift of my age and my life experience, but it’s also a good remedy for anyone at any age.
Life is too short, as we are all learning at a greater speed than most have signed up for. If you resonate with the energy of this post, then I say, you and I deserve to forgive ourselves for our past while also thanking ourselves for getting us to our future. I want to celebrate your rebirth with you.
What is it that is holding you back?